two years self-injury free!!!

The title says it all! It's been two years, which is crazy for something that used to be almost hourly for me! Go me!

I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and for how little I think of self-injury as an alternative to dealing with my emotions nowadays.

There has been a lot that helped with my recovery process, but JP has definitely been the biggest motivator for me. When I met him, I was just starting to get back into it, after a deep depression during my freshman year of college and miscarrying Chatham, but even after all that, it didn't escalate to anywhere near the level it had been at in previous years.

Poetry has also helped. I've written for years, but getting a little better at it (god, let's admit it, those first ones sucked really, really bad!) and even competing in a slam or going to poetry readings and getting more involved in the spoken word community, though not as much as I'd like to, has really helped. It gives me something to look forward to. This all started my freshman year when I heard Bluz on Indiefeed and then he visited IC and gave me his CD's (he's a great guy!) and then continued with Sierra DeMulder, who I was also introduced to by Indiefeed and is an amazing artist and person. JP and I went to one of her poetry classes last winter, before I found out I was pregnant, and we hoped to go back for the whole semester, but it's in St. Paul and I got pregnant and crabby.

Bluz:



Sierra:



The main reason I wouldn't go back to the awful that was my life is Willow. I want a better life for my little girl. She's my everything.

Happy Beltane. I'm going to go light some candles. Blessed be.

<3

job!

I'm a working girl.

I got a part-time, mostly weekends job at Casey's running the register. It isn't glamorous, and most days I come home exhausted with garbage "juice" all over me, but it's helping us make it to our goals, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm contributing and that we're on our way to where we want to be.

In other news, JP has an interview tomorrow for another security job, but here in town, which, even though it's less per hour, would save us $40 a week on gas, plus he'd get an extra 2 hours that he's not driving to spend with us! Hopefully he gets it.

Willow's freaking adorable. Every day I love this little girl more and more. She's the cutest, funniest, smartest little girl. She's the best thing I ever did.

In other happy, funtime news, I'm seriously looking into becoming a doula. I've actually had becoming a doula and a lactation consultant on my bucket list for a while and it just hit me about a week ago that I can actually do those! So, I'm going to be looking into training for those so that I can talk about lactivist/intactivist stuff with someone other than JP (who's heard it way too many times to care anymore!).


That's about it. This tired girl should go to bed.

<3

back to basics

Just a poem. First draft. Written forever ago. I wrote one today for my yiayia (grandma, in Greek) who died yesterday. I'm not quite ready for that one, so, enjoy.

You snort roofies through a paper cup

Hoping to drown yourself and let the

Numb rape your existential memories

Into dumb creatures staring at you like sheep.

Let the cavernous hole in your brainheart

Be filled by the smoke of the bubbler

Crowd surfing over your larynx and

Into your lungs. Let it make you forget that

There is hunger in the world and in

The pit of your stomach.

Shoot powder mixed with liquid life

Into your aorta and watch it bring

Color back into your cheeks and

Wonder at the thumpcraziness

Of your crazy beating heart.

Bake dreams into chocolate chunk cookies

And let the newness register in your

Stomach lining until you become

Happydrunk with the concept that

You can escape from the reality

That you have so carefully tried to

Avoid by using excuses not to face your

Biggest mistakes.

<3

PS. I'm blogging more. Aren't you happy? 

6 months and a few odd days

My nibblet's half a year old. Seriously. Here she is, in her JSB owl dipe, smiling at something hilarious I said. We went to the zoo on Sunday with some new friends and their son. She wasn't too interested, but she did seem to like the monkeys. Since then, we've been making monkey noises and she thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. :]

She: says mama, babababa, still blows raspberries, fake laugh/coughs, once said "gu day" on accident, and loves things she can't have. Her favorite parts of her toys are the tags, she's tried apples, bananas, carrots, and a bit of watered down apple juice but her favorite thing is still boobie milk. She loves banging her toys on the floor/table/surface of anything, throwing them, chewing on them and waving them around. Her favorite person is still JP, with my mom as a close second. She's given JP kisses, tries relentlessly to eat his tattoo, and likes dancing and talking with my mom. She loves walks, and trying to eat sticks, grass and flowers. She likes cuddles, tickles, Baby Einstein, taking baths, napping in our arms, when we sneeze and trying to steal our food.

This kid. . I love this kid so much. She's the best. Right now she's making a surprised "Ah?!" noise at her toys. . and yelling at them. She's the coolest. I could snuggle her all day. She's my favorite reason to smile, and making her smile and laugh is my mission on earth.

She's the perfect baby and I couldn't imagine life without her. <3

<3

ode to the girl in somber

 I wasn't going to post this. It's a first draft.
But today would have been Raven's 20th birthday. This is my present. It's all I can give. 

~~

You never looked at me without looking deeply.

Piercing through me, your eyes made a beeline for my heart,

And there- you found something that belonged to you.

Passing notes and pictures back and forth

While the preacherman soliloquized about hope,

We found it, buried among ferns and thorns.

“Softly,” you said, “don’t break my consentration”,

But I barreled through your brain on awkward stilts

Just to press my lips to your consciousness.

I call this place home.

I’ve never eaten ice cream with a fork.

I have never attacked it, forced it to bleed before

Letting it drip through my lips like pearls of butterscotch.

You were a huntress.

I was far away the day you set sail,

Singing noisily, breathing through your nose,

Holding flowers to lay at your gravestone.

I would have stayed and sang with you.

Lately, every breath has a silver lining,

And this frigid winter may be ending

But I find no solace in this.

Winter is where I have made my home

And I have never ventured into spring.

                                          

You were my first reason.

<3

just simply baby diapers!

Hey guys,

Just a quick update! I'm now an affiliate for JustSimplyBaby.com. Basically, that means I get a percentage of the sales that I direct to their site. It's a tiny amount, but I love cloth diapering and promote it as it is, so I figure it would be nice to get paid for it too. 

These diapers are really great, and they are super, super cheap! Fuzzibunz or BumGenius (the most popular brands of cloth diapers) go for $17-20 dollars and give you one insert, where as JSB gives you two. 

Anyways, interested in trying cloth diapers but don't want to spend tons of money? Use code "ARAS1" at checkout and you'll save 5% off your order. If you spend $100 or more you'll also get free shipping. It's a pretty sweet deal.

Don't know enough about cloth diapers and want to know more? Well, you can always comment below or message me on facebook or through my email (jasperspromise@hotmail.com) or look through this page for more info and then if you have any questions shoot me a note then. 

That's all, as you were. ;]

<3

3 months

My little girl is growing up way too fast, guys. I know its cliche but, damn, this growing up stuff goes really fast.

So what's new in the life of Willow? Well, she smiles all the time, laughs when I kiss her chin, only wakes up once during the night (score!), can grab things pretty well, is rolling over from her belly to her back and loves, loves, loves her feet. . though she has trouble reaching them.

We've officially switched from disposables to cloth, which is hard work since we only have 6 of them. I have to do laundry about twice a day, sometimes three times. We totally had money for them and then the break pads on the car went all wonky on us and life pooped on our faces-- but, we're saving up for them. Again. For, like, the fifth time. But, that aside, they're great! They're soft and chemical-free and they make me feel kind of self-important.

She's in 0-3 month clothes now, all cute and chunky. Her pediatrician says she's just under the 50th percentile in both height and weight, so she's short like me and skinny like. . . neither JP or I.

I'm working on getting a job. It's proving to be sort of tough because I need to write up a business proposal, a newspaper ad, a insert etc., but I just don't have time! It's coming though, and I'm better at it than I thought I would be.

Hm. That's about it. Sorry, nothing too interesting.