109 days left

Twenty-four weeks, two days and I'm already at the basketball-smuggling stage. No wonder I can't get off the freaking couch!

As of today, there are approximately 109 days of this pregnancy left, which is terrifying! I know I can do it, but wow. . .

Money's really tight, which really stresses me out. We've made it on less before, and even though I'm trying to find a job all the if's and different variables keep popping up in my head.

It feels like we've still got so much to do with the nursery, but almost everything else is done. We're being so responsible! Haha. It's odd.

<3

it's a. . .

GIRL!!!!!!

Premiering on or around October 13th: Willow Rae Moyemont-Scarborough.

She's beautiful and perfect and I love her already. :]
She was a wiggle worm and we barely got to check out her junk, but there were three little tell-tale lines.

We are sooooooooo excited. She definitely wasn't a boy like we expected (and almost everyone guessed).

Here's her face (btw, her hand is curled right up against it, so it looks all boney):



<3

that's my baby

This Tuesday, we went for to the OB for a regular checkup. When the OB tried to check the heartbeat with the doppler, my kid kicked her so much that she could barely hear the heartbeat. :]
We find out what we're having March 31st, and I can't wait!! Both of us think it's a boy, so we'll see.
He or she is kicking like crazy, but only I can feel it at this point.
So, yeah, this is a really poopy blog but this mommy's tired.

If you want to guess if it'll be a boy or girl, message me on facebook or comment!

our little bean

Hello, all.
It's been forever. Forgive me?
Things will be picking up soon though, I promise.
I quit my job sometime in February (maybe mid-February?) because it was getting to be way, way, way too much for me. I really was trying my hardest, but it seemed like every day I would get criticized by my bosses' boss. A huge bitch. I loved my bosss, Wayne, but let's just say there were a few people that didn't understand their place or anything about our jobs- yet they were in charge of us because they were in "management".
So, I come in on a Saturday and she hands me a final warning, makes me cry (wasn't the first time), calls me pathetic, says I only put in half a day's work, so I should only get half a day's pay (illegal-- and by the way, there was NOTHING to do, so I couldn't do anything. I would have loved something to do because I was bored!). Anyways, I quit that day.
Two days later, on account of some rising suspicions on my part, I took a pregnancy test that came back POSITVE! Soooooo. . . I found out I was prego two days after I quit my job, which is both good and bad.
On the plus side, that job was terrible. I had to lift 20-80 lbs. daily, was around harsh chemicals and oils, and it just wasn't a good environment for a growing baby.
On the other hand, money is super nice when you're having a baby. That's what I hear. But, we've been ok, and it's been a few months. I would look for a new job, and I kind of have been but I've got this moral dilemma about it.
I know that once you're working for someone and inform them of your pregnancy- they can't fire you. It's illegal. I get that, but if they knew I was pregnant coming into a job interview, they'd find some other reason not to hire me. I mean, if I was an employer, I wouldn't hire me-- unless it was a temporary job or something extraordinarily shitty like McDonald's. Which was the worst experience of my life. But- if we really need money, I would do again. I'm ok with that. Money is money.
Anyways- I am 10 weeks and 4 days today, and we told my parents at 10 weeks. This pregnancy has been very different from last one.
For starters, we've been to the OBGYN's twice already (not for an actual prenatal appointment, but for an nurse's appointment and an ultrasound) which we kind of put off last time because of insurance issues.
Also, I've had a lot more symptoms, including morning sickness (I only felt nauseous like once last pregnancy), fatigue, and sore boobs. The morning sickness, which was actually at night, was fragging terrible for 4-5 weeks, but it tapered off around 9 weeks. Thank goodness! It was really getting ridiculous. I also had a bad cold at that time, so I'd eat dinner, cough once, phlegm would get stuck in my throat (I know, gross) and that would send me running for the sink/bathroom/garbage can/plastic bag. I only had morning sickness in the morning once, before an appointment. I got up to take a shower, was a tiny bit nauseous and then while I was in the shower it hit me and I puked pure acid. It was lovely.
My belly has also felt a lot harder in the last week or so. I press on it and it's not soft, but sort of like I have a six-pack (but I don't! At all). Which is my uterus growing, which is good!
We got an ultrasound at 8 weeks, 5 days, and I'll post a picture. There was a heartbeat- or else I wouldn't be writing this post.
It has been soooooo nerve-wracking to wait for 5 weeks for another OBGYN appointment. Honestly, if it doesn't go well, I might switch OB's, because it kind of pissed me off that she's waiting that long to actually see me for the first time. We'll see. I just want to know if my baby's ok. That seems like it would be easy to do, and technically part of her job.
JP and I are very excited. We've got boy and girl name's picked out, but I want to wait until we find out if everything is ok before telling everyone the names. Our next appointment is April 5th, so expect an update after that.
Now, for all the haters that kept leaving nasty comments on my Formspring last pregnancy, (not that this is anyone's business, but I don't really care, I was on birth control. This was just one of those flukes, or things, or whatever that just happen. I'm honestly very excited that this did happen and I don't care what anyone thinks. JP and I are happy, stable and yeah. We have a happy little family going already.
So, I have been thinking I may do vlogs on youtube chronicling my pregnancy, but then again, I may not. We'll see. If I do, I will let you know.

merry mundane

Work, work, work. Two thirty to ten thirty every day. Sometimes I just want to quit, but I hear money's nice. I wish things were easier.
On another note- Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and all that. Here's a poem.


Falsies.
Long and dark and dramatic- like us.
Fuchsia and lime green lips open and close
And talk like chocolate pudding.
Our dresses muffle the sound of our
Growling, groaning stomachs
And we pose. Smile.
Clicking pumps against the marble floors
We are goddesses.
We are worshiped in Vogue and Elle
And no one will forget us.
We have been cemented.
Full skirts with floral patterns on our ribs and
Tiny little laxatives in our colon.
We are perfect.
The click, click of the cameras
Reminds us that we are more real than
Those running errands on the streets,
Running around in circles on their feet-
We are worshiped.

good eat enough to eat

“What cute kids you have!”
Your benign comment rips open the stitches of my cancerous memory wounds
I could just eat them up
devour them,
One by one, with a spork,
Feasting on their adorableness
Shoveling them down my lonely empty gullet
And filling my belly with happy.
Making myself plump with your joy.
What? Is that not the way it works?
Because that’s my first instinct.
I mean, after the one that screams
“I hate you.”
I hate the fact that you have the swollen belly
Of a rambunctious pregnant woman
Who downs chocolate sundaes like Tylenol.
Brimming with life while I sit robbed of that glow
I hate your pristine smile, happy lips,
Bright eyes looking toward whatever the
Future may be for you-
My future was ruined.
I hate how happy you are. What you expect is exactly what I was expecting. Expecting to hold someone closer to your heart than you ever could. Expecting to add one more to your Norman Rockwell scene, painting an entire future in your mind’s eye for a pre-life cookie cutter child baking in your oven.
The pitter patter of undercooked baby batter runs rampant through the empty halls of expecting in my broken hearts shattered memories of expecting
Do you know what loathing is?
It’s seeing your joy, and your offspring springing around and from you, dressed in envy-green jerseys set and ready to play the ultimate game of life, each identical, sporting their allegiance to team Family.
Images of your happy content and ignorantly smug face being boxed and beaten with the sorrow of accident flicker through my mind as I put you in my shoes for an unwanted macabre justice from the unintended unfuture of my own.
Jam it between your finger tips
And up your eyeballs and in your
Hairy cunt.
I want you to know what it’s like
To loose everything- and maybe that way
You won’t flaunt your perfect life
And you’ll slow down and really,
Truly, see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On September 10th, we're having a burial ceremony for Chatham, since that was his due date. We're burying a rosebud and lighting candles, casting circle. . . Hopefully it'll be closure. We're also picking up a baby blanket and giving it to a baby born on the 10th as a way to commemorate him.

<3

dear heart

Sometimes I wish you'd fucking stop beating already, and others I'm glad you've stuck through everything with me.

Today was a hard, hard day. For some reason that I can't comprehend people fall in love with me. A lot.

Naturally, that's appealing, but it's also hurtful.

Sometimes you've got to choose between two people, and that can tear you and those two people apart.
Please tell me I'm normal for being hurt by my own decision. I don't know how my life will end up, and I know there's lots of ways it could, but who's to say one path is better than the other?

It's all so confusing, and I wish there was a roadmap, but I guess winging it will have to do.

I've spent most of the evening crying. Over the hurt I undoubtedly caused others and over the fact that I feel like I've ruined everything.

Two friendships that once were stable are now in shambles because I'm a huge flirt.

:[