My name is Ana and I am small and toned and tiny and breakable. Every bone shows through and I am fragile as to say ‘do not hurt me’.
My name is Annie and I am short, spirited, whoreish, funny and random. I will shock you, disappoint you and yet still be complete within myself.
I am two. I am one and still another. I am split, not as in two personalities but two entirely different entities living within one body.
I am Ana. I am a skeleton and I am a twig that will crack with the slightest pressure. I am raw and you won’t forget me after you’ve seen me. I burn.
I am Annie. I have secrets that I tell everybody and one that I tell no one, not even myself. I am as honest as can be, because further honesty requires life and I don’t have enough of that in me to attempt fullness.
I am toes curled and apricot body wash and I am a red bracelet on my right wrist. Check it. Remember. A moment on the lips. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Retreat.
You think I am a free spirit full of words and music and acoustic guitar. You think I am everything I say I am, and I am. I am what I say I am but I am nothing. What does that make me? That makes me me.
I am a button spine and cage-ribs and wrist bones and clavicles and hip bones and tendons and muscle and most of all bone.
I am jiggly. I am healthy. What is healthy?
Salad, water, diet coke, black coffee, diet red bull- fifteen whole damn calories.
Anything carbs. Spaghetti, bread, Danish, sandwich, nourish, skin, chew and spit. Savior.
You think I am sickness, but to each his own salvation. I am holy and sacred and I rot my own insides away. I am cryptic, like computer language- only Ann and Ana, me and Mia can understand it.
No, no. I am fused, truly. The break wasn’t clean and particles of each other linger in another. I am you and you are me. We are one, truly, somewhere inside.
Dance with me. It burns calories, it’s aerobics, it’s one two three four and again and again and infinite.
Dance with me. Grasp the moment by the neck and choke all life out of it. Milk it for all it’s got. You won’t live unless you stop and make experiences out of everyday occurrences.
Oh, if you must know, I am the secret.
She is the secret. The secretest secret I have.
Not the disease. The disease is nothing. It’s the girl. Ana.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
ketchup
I haven't blogged for a long time, and some of you were probably like "There she goes again, this blog will go down the crapper just like the other ones.". Never fear, people. I'm on the ball.
The main reason my blogging has been nonexistent is that college takes a lot of time, effort and most of all money to get ready for.
So, I found a full time, temporary job working at the fair. Basically, I scooped hand-dipped ice cream or did the soft serve.
For nine out of ten days, from 3-9 or so every night, I was at the fair either doing the ice cream stuff, playing “three a day of dairy” games with the kids, or cutting croissants for cream puffs.
I’m making it sound boring, but really, it was fun. Hopefully I’ll get to do it again next year.
Some really interesting things happened during my time at the fair.
Working at a job where you’re constantly in contact with people is amazing. There are the rude ones, the sweet hearts and the apathetic. There are also the total freaks. You’ve got to love them all.
My cow-workers (yes, I am an idiot) were truly the best.
There was Will, who I first flirted with when he was telling his friend that when men don’t wear the pants in a relationship it’s equivalent to a ball cut-off. Now, I’m dating Will. Well, we’re dating each other, because saying that I’m dating him sounds like I’m in charge and I’m sure he loves his balls.
Will is a total sweet heart who wears the ill-fitted mask of a jerk. Just talk to him. First he’ll make jokes about everything, including you, and you’ll think he’s a total douche, until you stick that through and ask him questions. He shines.
And Dylan, oh Dylan. . . Dylan didn’t like me, at first, because he said he’s pro-interracial marriage, which means he only likes Mexican, Black and Russian girls- not Caucasian ones. Well, until he starts talking to a thoroughly Caucasian one and realizes he likes her. Dylan is everything. He is jazz and diet soda and Subway and dirt. There is no way to describe Dylan. I won’t try.
There was Stella, who randomly slapped my butt one day. She also gave me a totally random massage during a slow spell. Jesus bless Stella. I can’t help but wonder about her life. Her whole family is so genuinely sweet (Stella, her daughter and her granddaughter all worked at the dairy barn with us) that it blew me away.
Oh yeah, there was Will #2, too. He was my bosses son and he cussed a lot, but inside his scruffy, unshaven and XXL size boxers, he was the sweetest soul. I would have liked to catch Will at a more relaxed time and maybe asked him some questions about life and love and milk.
Milk. Wow, that’s ironic. I barely ever eat/drink dairy. I drink milk maybe once a month, if that. Ice cream and cheese I eat a little more often, but even that is rare. My favorite type of cheese is veggie cheese and ice cream has too many calories to reckon with, usually. Yet I found myself working in a dairy barn quizzing kids on the percentages of calcium in milk and if skim or 2% milk had more calcium (skim does). God sure does have a sense of humor.
Truth is, since I started working there my body has decided it isn’t going to stand for my skipping dairy and not taking my vitamins, so it’s gone on a crazy dairy binge. Today I had 2 huge bowls of cereal (granted that’s all I ate, but the heat doesn’t help my appetite) and when I worked at the fair I would have 1-2 sundae’s a day. Twist ice cream with caramel and fudge. Yes ma’am.
So, other than my job, I’ve been spending all the money I made from it. I now have a laptop, an iPhone (which was provided by my uncle, because I could never afford that!) and a whole bunch of other nifty things for my dorm room.
Tomorrow is D-day. Dorm day. Or M-day. Move-in day.
I wonder if my parents will leave when they’re supposed to or not. I can see them there hours after all the other parents have left, still crying and carrying on. “Geez, guys. I’m half an hour away. Some of these parents are half a country away, chill out!”
So, recap. I now have a boyfriend, Will. I now have a laptop, either Walter or Cindy (not sure on the gender yet) and I now have an iPhone, Wonderful (yes, that’s it’s name).
Life has been nicer to me than I ever thought possible. What could I possibly have done right?
<3
The main reason my blogging has been nonexistent is that college takes a lot of time, effort and most of all money to get ready for.
So, I found a full time, temporary job working at the fair. Basically, I scooped hand-dipped ice cream or did the soft serve.
For nine out of ten days, from 3-9 or so every night, I was at the fair either doing the ice cream stuff, playing “three a day of dairy” games with the kids, or cutting croissants for cream puffs.
I’m making it sound boring, but really, it was fun. Hopefully I’ll get to do it again next year.
Some really interesting things happened during my time at the fair.
Working at a job where you’re constantly in contact with people is amazing. There are the rude ones, the sweet hearts and the apathetic. There are also the total freaks. You’ve got to love them all.
My cow-workers (yes, I am an idiot) were truly the best.
There was Will, who I first flirted with when he was telling his friend that when men don’t wear the pants in a relationship it’s equivalent to a ball cut-off. Now, I’m dating Will. Well, we’re dating each other, because saying that I’m dating him sounds like I’m in charge and I’m sure he loves his balls.
Will is a total sweet heart who wears the ill-fitted mask of a jerk. Just talk to him. First he’ll make jokes about everything, including you, and you’ll think he’s a total douche, until you stick that through and ask him questions. He shines.
And Dylan, oh Dylan. . . Dylan didn’t like me, at first, because he said he’s pro-interracial marriage, which means he only likes Mexican, Black and Russian girls- not Caucasian ones. Well, until he starts talking to a thoroughly Caucasian one and realizes he likes her. Dylan is everything. He is jazz and diet soda and Subway and dirt. There is no way to describe Dylan. I won’t try.
There was Stella, who randomly slapped my butt one day. She also gave me a totally random massage during a slow spell. Jesus bless Stella. I can’t help but wonder about her life. Her whole family is so genuinely sweet (Stella, her daughter and her granddaughter all worked at the dairy barn with us) that it blew me away.
Oh yeah, there was Will #2, too. He was my bosses son and he cussed a lot, but inside his scruffy, unshaven and XXL size boxers, he was the sweetest soul. I would have liked to catch Will at a more relaxed time and maybe asked him some questions about life and love and milk.
Milk. Wow, that’s ironic. I barely ever eat/drink dairy. I drink milk maybe once a month, if that. Ice cream and cheese I eat a little more often, but even that is rare. My favorite type of cheese is veggie cheese and ice cream has too many calories to reckon with, usually. Yet I found myself working in a dairy barn quizzing kids on the percentages of calcium in milk and if skim or 2% milk had more calcium (skim does). God sure does have a sense of humor.
Truth is, since I started working there my body has decided it isn’t going to stand for my skipping dairy and not taking my vitamins, so it’s gone on a crazy dairy binge. Today I had 2 huge bowls of cereal (granted that’s all I ate, but the heat doesn’t help my appetite) and when I worked at the fair I would have 1-2 sundae’s a day. Twist ice cream with caramel and fudge. Yes ma’am.
So, other than my job, I’ve been spending all the money I made from it. I now have a laptop, an iPhone (which was provided by my uncle, because I could never afford that!) and a whole bunch of other nifty things for my dorm room.
Tomorrow is D-day. Dorm day. Or M-day. Move-in day.
I wonder if my parents will leave when they’re supposed to or not. I can see them there hours after all the other parents have left, still crying and carrying on. “Geez, guys. I’m half an hour away. Some of these parents are half a country away, chill out!”
So, recap. I now have a boyfriend, Will. I now have a laptop, either Walter or Cindy (not sure on the gender yet) and I now have an iPhone, Wonderful (yes, that’s it’s name).
Life has been nicer to me than I ever thought possible. What could I possibly have done right?
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
