empty

The last week or so has been. . . terrifying. I had a miscarriage and it’s just been one blow after another. Between fending off panic attacks and worrying about everything, I thought I’d take time to write a blog. Sort of. More like post a poem and update you guys.

I’m a little worried about my Uncle Jed. I had written him in January when JP and I told my parents that I was pregnant, and he never responded. After three texts and an email he finally said he’s thinking about me and he needs to get to sleep so goodnight. Hmm. The consensus in my brain right now is that he just took the news really badly- worse than my parents did. I would have NEVER imagined this.

On the 12th JP, our friend Gordon and I are leaving for a comicon (nerdy, I know) in Seattle. This’ll be my first time home in about three years, and I’m super excited. We were going to tell my grandparents and great aunt about Chatham (the baby) then, but after the miscarriage I emailed my aunt and told her what had been going on. I expected the usual “Oh, my. I’m sorry” stuff with a little advice or something but instead she said she wasn’t sure whether to be glad or dismayed about the miscarriage. . . . . Umm . . .Why would you ever be glad that someone lost their child? Just wondering.

I don’t know. I guess I was expecting people to be more supportive. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. . . Actually- I’m not doing much at all other than trying to keep sane at the moment. It’s really not easy, and I know this sounds like every other blog I’ve written but it’s true.

Chatham and the idea of having something to protect and be healthy and good for was (I feel) what I needed. I never felt happier in my life. I was eating right (and only complaining a little bit about weight gain) and I was super, super excited. It’s different to get healthy for something outside of yourself. There’s real motivation there. I didn’t want my child to grow up in a home where his parents were too selfishly sick to take care of him or her. I know what that’s like and I didn’t want it for my child.

So, yeah. Anyways, we’re going to Seattle in a couple weeks. We’re doing comicon, my great aunt’s birthday dinner, Bethel (that’ll be interesting!!) and hopefully some sights like the Space Needle and Pikes Place. It’ll be good to be back.
JP and I are also talking about moving away from Springfield. I guess we need a change- or just need to get away from all this familiar business because it reminds us of Chatham. We thought about Seattle, Pennsylvania and basically anywhere else, but right now we’re leaning towards moving in with Gordon and maybe JP’s younger brother Pete somewhere near Jacksonville so I can go to IC for another year. Pete might go to IC, and his decision is mainly influenced by the fact that we’re nearby and that I go there- so he’ll know someone on campus. This would be pretty short term- about a year or so- while JP and I save money to go on a one-year road trip to . . everywhere. While we lived with Gordon and Pete, JP and Gordon would work on their web comic and hopefully get that running.

I know it’s a lot, and probably it’s too much too soon, but it feels like something needs to change.

Anyway, here’s a poem I wrote a couple of days ago. It hasn’t been edited or anything yet.


Empty- different this time.
Instead of stomach growling, contracting, contorting,
There’s nothing where a child once was.
This hurts more.
It’s not self-inflicted chaos to hold myself together,
This is ripping, tearing, searing empty.
Hold my belly and roll around the bed,
Panic, smoking, heavy and worst of all
No closure to this story.
No ending, just a flush of the toilet
And a spiraling grave.
His name was Chatham
And he was perfect.
Empty before my time
And it hurts like hell, girls.
All the baby clothes and tiny socks,
The slings, cribs, sippy cups, maternity clothes,
The floor, the ceiling and Spring-
They all remind me of the empty
That now resides where the full used to
Wiggle his toes, wrinkle his nose,
Thumpthumpthump his heart and then
One day- empty.

refundmania!

I stopped at the accounting desk to pick up my check today and it turns out they had 4 checks for me. One was my regular work check, and the other three were refund checks.
For the last few weeks I've been really worrying about money and wondering how we're going to go to Seattle and pay for the baby and all that stuff. . . but the fates have been kind and now I've got about 3 grand that will be (mostly) saved!
:]
Yay!

ten minutes of work left

So, this will have to be quick but I have news.
On Thursday (hopefully!) Chatham or Tally will have their first "baby pictures" taken. We're going to a Crisis Pregnancy Center (story to follow) and they will refer us to a place that has an ultrasound machine.
Now- I called like 2 different hospitals (Memorial and St. John's) and like 50 gazillion OB/GYN's.
Memorial said that they were booked for 2 months. Well, by that time I would have been like 6 months pregnant! That's 2/3's of the pregnancy gone by without any medical supervision.
St. John's was my favorite. I called the obstetrics department and they said (and I quote): "I'm sorry, we're a hospital we don't hire doctors." . . . . . . . . . 'Scuse me? Huh? What? There is not even a smidgen of sense in that sentence.
Anyways- so that left us with trying to find a place that would take just money and not insurance or a medical card for an ultrasound. Until I found out it cost forever and a day . . so, my dad told me about these people connected with the home church he goes to that run a CPC in Jacksonville.
They don't have an ultrasound but they can give us a free referral to one. So- yay!
Using the ultrasound, the doctor can figure out exactly how many weeks prego I am, so I can put it on the Moms & Babies form and finally!!! get insurance.
So. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Other than that things have been good.
I haven't been hungry at all, which has caused my blood sugar to drop a few times, making me dizzy. Whoops. So, I'm trying to eat snacks throughout the day whether I'm hungry or not.
My roommate and I have a Japanese host student that will be living with us for about a month, which will be interesting. We're supposed to do all these activities with them but that will be mostly Mouna's job, since she decided we're getting a host student without asking me. Plus, even though I feel bad for not being around as much as I should be, I really need to take care of myself and this baby. That's my first priority and if anyone gives me shit about it, well, that's too bad. They'll have to deal with it.
So- Hopefully around Thursday you guys will get to see the babies first pictures. Here's a hint: it will look like a blob.

oh, baby

Woot.
I am pregnant.
About 9 weeks, so far.
My boyfriend and I are super excited, and my parents are slowly warming up to the idea of a grandchild.
You probably already new this. :]
So- yeah.
That's the big news.