Lucky

"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend. . "





Did you know that summer's almost here? Did you know that I miss school because it's funny to watch all the people go crazy. No really. They totally freak out. It's like watching animals during mating season, man. . . There's something about spring and summer that starts some kind of chain reaction or something in these poor teens minds. I don't even think they want to do it! It's great.

I don't know what this blog's about yet, as you can tell. . . Spouting fake scientific data about chain reactions causing overt sexual behavior in adolescents is a sure sign that I'm grasping at straws. I just felt it was time to write again.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, about anything. I wonder if what's happening would be classified as "doubt" or as "reality". That has yet to be determined.

I'm going to do a little stream-of-consciousness, so you can skip the next couple paragraphs, if you want.

Yes, the radio's playing again, this time a silly, stupid, awesome little ad about Meijer's. I don't even like Meijer's. . . It's too warehousy and all their donuts (doughnuts?) are stale. Which brings me to something else, which I've probably talked about before, ketchup or catsup? It's so definitely ketchup, (even the spell check didn't recognize it!) 'cause who says "Hey, cat. . Sup?" No. Cat's are not to be saluted or spoken to, but only telepathically. Cat. . . hey, cat! Yeah, you. Punk. Okay, fine. I'm sorry. You're really not a punk, but just a cute little furry creature that needs to be cuddled.
Eminem. Seriously? What was he thinking when he came up with his name? It makes me want to go to the store and buy some peanut M & M's. Whatever happened to the M & M's that had that white crunch stuff in them? Those were the freaking best.
'Member Lil Rounds from American Idol? Well, at one point, Rachel (my best friend) and her family were watching it, and her dad made a really good point. He said "Her lil' round wasn't lil' and round, it was big and round". And really, it was! I was like, dude. . is that thing from outer space, or what? But, she had a good voice, and she was one of my favorites.
Sometimes I want to feel the shock, if only to know I'm alive. Jumping into the Lake during February was one of my favorite ways to do it when I was still in Seattle, but I'm afraid jumping into any lake in February here in Illinois wouldn't give me a shock, but a concussion, if not worse. I used to think that that's why I cut sometimes, just to know that I was still alive; that my heart was still beating. Was it? Theoretically, yes.
Oh my gosh! Hinder's on the radio! I haven't heard this song in forever!
But, yeah. My heard was physically pumping but the stuff of consciousness was gone. Ghosts were probably more alive than me.
Now it's different though. Now I feel. Oh, sure, I still can't cry, and sometimes I'm more numb than usual, but I've improved. I love life. The air's so tangy and tears are so salty and even the bad times hold something good in them.
"It sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel."

I love you guys. . I really do. Please don't doubt it, because sometimes I want to love more fiercely, but I can't. That isn't an excuse, it's a promise. I will love you fiercely soon, when I am free-er within myself, and when I don't have restrictions. You are more precious than anything, and I pray that more than anything, you'd come to understand that.

<3