Saturday, July 11, 2009

this is what you'd call a secret


Shh, don't breathe a word,
Dear ED, for you and I are the best of friends
And we'll keep each other's secret until death do us part.
No one will ever know,
Even when I am just skin on bones
And you are the lie that suffocates me.
Because all I see is fat hanging on more fat
On the carnival mirror that is you.
No one will notice,
Even when my teeth show through my cheeks
And I eat nothing but air
And sweet, sweet lies from you.

Oh, Ana, you are my bestest friend.
All bone and air and art and masterpiece of will,
And I love you and pray to you.
You're my little secret, my ED's skeletal daughter.
And no one will suspect that I harbor your fragile soul
Within the cage that has become me;
All bars and ribs and bones.
No one will know.

Me and Mia, sister to Anne and Ana,
You are my first escape, my deadly secret.
I shove my mouth full of sin
And hold my impregnated flesh
Until I am sick all over your porcelain altar.
You're my capsules and pills inscribed with salvation,
My only escape when I look for truth.
You are my only truth.

I cannot run away,
Do not let me run away.
Because I long to be captured, tethered, caught
Within your gilded cage, your web of steel,
I want to be your skin and bones,
Your home sweet home,
Your purest sanctuary.
Emaciate me; strip me down; leave me empty-
Oh, emptier still.

I want to become you.

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